


Getting There

by bonzai_bunny



Category: The Avengers - All Fandoms
Genre: Angst, F/M, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-23
Updated: 2012-09-08
Packaged: 2017-11-10 13:04:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/466613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bonzai_bunny/pseuds/bonzai_bunny
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve was hoping the serum was going to make him better. Maybe the 21st century will help him in a different way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warning for homophobic language and behavior. I wanted Steve with gayngst and so I wrote it. This will probably be two chapters (apologize if Steve's mindset offends anyone).

It was supposed to be just a regular double date with Bucky, his girl, and a girl he found for Steve. And Steve was really expecting it when both girls went off with Bucky to dance on the dance floor. Bucky had his gal and the girl who was Steve's date found another guy. It was totally expected. He knew that most girls didn't want a partner that they could step on, no matter how well-meaning Bucky may be.   
  
So Steve sat on the sidelines at the table they had been sitting at, watching the three have fun. He knew it didn't matter; he couldn't dance anyway. Even if he was bigger and taller and didn't look fifty pounds underweight, he would probably just topple over everyone anyway.   
  
He sighed. At least Bucky looked smooth, calm, and debonair in a way that Steve knew he couldn't match. It had always been that way and Steve admired Bucky for being able to sweep girls off of their feet. He liked the cocky confidence Bucky held in his shoulders, how his dark eyes shone with mischief and if Steve was being honest, he would say how much he wished Bucky would look at him that way. But even if it weren't....wrong, Steve was still a tiny nobody. A best bud, sure, but Bucky deserved better. Bucky deserved someone he wouldn't have to step on.   
  
Getting tired of watching the floor, Steve looked around the area he was sitting in. It was dimly lit; there were candles on each of the tables where a few couples lingered. It made the place feel a lot fancier than it actually was, but it was charming. Steve looked around at some of the people there and found himself gaping.   
  
One of the most beautiful men Steve had ever seen walked in with a few other guys, looking like he had stepped straight out of a movie screen. He was wearing this suit jacket that looked more expensive than Steve's entire outfit and he ordered something from the bar, laughing and joking with some of the other men standing around him. Steve wanted to draw him. He had a bone structure that gave his face a strong frame, but wasn't too square. He had sharp cheek bones, full lips, and Steve was sure that if that half-smile was directed upon most of the women in the room, they would be his.   
  
Steve wished the lighting was better so he could see the man's eyes. They were one of his favorite things on a person, they were great for pastels, and while Steve didn't necessarily believe that whole "window to the soul" baloney, he knew a pretty pair of eyes—male or female—could leave him feeling breathless. Bucky's did, that was for sure.   
  
But Steve remembered where he was and how detrimental it would be to be caught staring at another man. He hoped he didn't look longing; he didn't want to do anything to the guy, he just wanted to draw him. Steve looked down at his hands, watching the way the light moved across them. He wished he could do things with them other than art.  
  
Suddenly, Steve realized he wasn't alone and looked up and saw the beautiful man standing across his table. His heart raced. Had the other caught him staring? What did he want with a nobody like Steve?   
  
"Is this seat taken?" The man asked with that half-smile that made Steve's heart flutter just a little. In the flickering light Steve could see that the other's eyes were light brown, amber against the golden flame and Steve swallowed nervously. He looked over at Bucky and the other girls. A slower song was playing and they didn't look like they were going anywhere anytime soon.   
  
"Uh, no sir. Not right now."   
  
The man nodded and pulled himself a seat. Steve tried to look everywhere but this person's face, lest he was figured out.  
  
"My name's Nelson. What's yours kid?"  
  
"Steve, sir. My name is Steve."  
  
"Nice to meet ya, Steve. What's a kid like you doing here all on your lonesome?"   
  
Steve felt his cheeks burning with distant shame. "Well, I had a date, sir but...she didn't seem too interested."  
  
"Are you sure kid? Because the way you were staring at me, I'd say you were the one who wasn't too interested."  
  
Steve's heart nearly stopped. No, he thought. He wasn't being found out now, not here. He was diseased, he knew it, but a public humiliation wouldn't solve anything. He couldn't live with the thought of Bucky being disgusted by him, of never being Bucky's friend again. Suddenly, he felt very very sick.  
  
"Hold your horses kid, don't have a fit. I just want to talk, okay? We can go outside and do that."   
  
Anything was better than a public humiliation and while Steve knew he should have protested, he should have told the man he wasn't different like the kids at school joked he was, Steve would rather have this talk in private.  
  
"O-okay. We can do that."

That was a mistake.   
  
Steve didn't realize it until he had followed the guy, Nelson, into the alley and he tugged his jacket closer to him for warmth. It certainly wasn't because he was afraid of what was about to happen. He hoped Nelson just wanted to clear a misunderstanding or something.  
  
Steve realized something was wrong when Nelson stepped out of his line of sight and he realized someone was approaching him from the side. He turned, but there was someone else closing in on him and he realized, terrified, this was a setup. This wasn't like one of those incidents where his mouth got him into trouble in high school. This was so much worse. One of his classmates, and everyone knew he was off but just didn't want to say it, once ran into the wrong people and was later found dead in a ditch. Steve didn’t want to be him.   
  
He knew calling for help would be pointless.   
  
"You know, I didn't think it was possible for a guy to look that much like a fairy," one of the men laughed. Of three? Steve thought there were three, but it was dark and he knew his fear was playing tricks on him.   
  
"I'm not a fairy," he replied back, although he knew it was pointless.   
  
"Sure you're not kid. That's why you looked like you were imagining yourself and Nelson taking a holiday together."  
  
"I'm not queer!" He protested, thinking maybe he could convince himself if he couldn't convince the others. One of them spat on him. He tried to take a swing at whoever did it, but someone punched him in the back of the head and he knew it was over before it began.   
  
They didn't stop, not for a long time it seemed. Steve might have tried to run away, no matter how pathetic it seemed, but he was pretty sure one of his legs was broken. So was his nose, his jaw, a rib or two, and he wasn't sure how long he laid there bloody and broken on the chilly earth, but he found out later Bucky found him. He might have died of blood loss otherwise.   
  
He was in the hospital for a long time after that, but he never told Bucky why he was attacked. It was better that Bucky didn't know. It was better nobody knew. A mugging gone wrong, he said and he could have almost believed him himself.

Steve had hoped the procedure would cure him of his illness. Dr. Erskine said it would make what was good about him better, but it didn't change him like he really wanted to be changed. It seemed like it only made his condition worse. Whereas before he had been only content to look, now he wanted to touch and that was dangerous. He felt like he was being put through puberty again, only ten times worse. The show choir girls were one thing and he was grateful for them because they helped remind him that he wasn't too far gone. Maybe one day he could be cured.   
  
(They seemed convinced of Captain America's innocence and had no qualms about changing in front of him, as though he were a little boy. They didn't think that he might want to touch them and hold them. He was frustrated that they still saw him this way—harmless, like he couldn't  _want_  a woman.)  
  
The chorus women were one thing, but it was worse living in close quarters with the other men of his unit. It was more difficult to be around Bucky. It was more difficult to hide his wanting stares. He wanted to be touched and loved and held and it was sick. He was sick. Despite all of this, he really had loved Peggy. He had wanted her to make a real man out of him. He would have married her, had kids, and the white picket fence, the whole nine yards, if that was what made her happy. She wanted to dance with him and that was more than enough for his devotion. And even if the thought of her curves never set a fire in his gut like the lean lines of Bucky, she was beautiful.  
  
He was going to be normal. He was going to be happy. And then he crashed into the ice.

\- -o0o- -

The 21st century had some strange notions about Steve's condition. It was supposed to be accepted more, but it still wasn't, not according to Steve's own independent research on the internet (and boy, wasn't that something to get used to—he had an entire world of information at his fingertips).   
  
Tony Stark made it infinitely more difficult. He had beautiful eyes.   
  
But that wasn't the real problem, not really. Steve had spent an entire lifetime learning how to ignore his urges and normally he was ignored back by the subject of his desires, but Tony Stark was far more like an abused puppy than he would ever admit. He was attention and touch-starved. He liked touching people, knowing that he didn't annoy them too much, knowing that he wasn't hated. He found approval in touch more often than he claimed he needed anyone's approval. Pepper had normally been the recipient of this, from what Steve saw of them.  
  
Their hands were always clasped when they were together. Or their arms were brushing. They sat closely together, practically on top of one another. Pepper touched his face and soothed his shoulders and Tony would relax. Steve had once walked in on them watching a movie together, an intimate moment that he should have never witnessed. Tony had fallen asleep on her shoulder and she had stroked through his hair to ease his distant whimpers until his face went slack and his breathing calmed.   
  
Steve was more jealous than anything. He tried to not think about Peggy. He definitely tried to not think about Bucky. But it was only the trust and comfort he had wanted, that was it.   
  
But then Pepper broke up with Tony and for some reason, Tony had decided that his next best option was Steve. Steve didn't know how Tony had come up with that. He and Tony were amicable, but he knew Tony was closer to Bruce. He had more in common with the fellow scientist.   
  
And Steve was plain uncomfortable with the attention—men didn't touch like Tony wanted to; it was wrong.   
  
It started out innocuous enough. A pat on the shoulder for a job well done. Arms brushing as they tried to walk through the same door at once. But then Tony was invading his personal space on the couch by leaning onto Steve's shoulder. Steve had tried to scoot away the first time, but Tony looked like his puppy had just been kicked and Steve felt awful.   
  
So he tolerated it. Tony leaning onto his shoulder, Tony leaving his hand on Steve's lower back far longer than what was appropriate, Tony trying to knock their knees together at the dinner table. It helped the team, Steve told himself. If Tony was happy, then the team worked better.  
  
He wanted to yell at the other to stop, but Steve knew that Tony Stark didn't have the same hang-ups that he did. Tony Stark was a very openly sexual man. Tony Stark flirted with everything with legs. Steve was pretty sure that the touching was still platonic, but it was wrong. It made Steve feel like he was getting sicker.   
  
Steve hadn't had the privacy of his own bed and bath area for as long as he lived. Tony ignited a wanting in him that he hadn't felt since Bucky and with the touches, Steve felt more compelled than ever to take care of his urges. He used to furtively (and ashamedly) jack off before, in his bed, with his face pressed against his pillow to stifle any noise, but with all this privacy, he could get out of his bed with a raging stiffie and take a shower without anyone seeing it.  
  
He still didn't take care of it often. He let the cold water do its work because it still felt too shameful to indulge.  
  
(But sometimes, he was woken abruptly from a beautiful dream involving Tony Stark bobbing between his legs and Steve, still too wound in the fantasy, would touch himself long and luxuriously until he came with Tony's name on his lips.)

\- -o0o- -

It all went to hell at a press conference Fury arranged for them. The public didn't know them very well, had trouble trusting them sometimes, and this was a chance to get anything they were curious about out of the way. They weren't supposed to answer politically charged questions, but someone had asked Steve how he felt about the recent spike in gay teen suicides due to bullying. He had answered honestly. 

"Well, ma'am, I don't like bullying, no matter who it's against, and it's a complete shame that this is allowed to go on with our nation's youth."

And then someone asked, "Captain, you're a man from out of time. What are your views on homosexuality and has the modern era changed them at all?" 

Steve had swallowed against the bright flashing lights of cameras. He was vaguely aware that Pepper was giving him a "do not answer" motion from backstage. It didn't really register.   
  
"I believe, like many attributes of people, it's for God to judge, not me."

And the reporters went  _wild._  Their press coordinator had to step in and cancel the rest of the conference, saying some bull about how the Avengers needed rest to continue saving the world. Steve didn't realize how upset Tony was about it until they were alone in his office.

"What the  _fuck_?" Tony hissed as he struggled to get the cap off some alcoholic beverage with his bare hands. Tony was glaring at him so Steve was pretty sure an offer to help wouldn't be appreciated right then.  
  
"What?"  
  
"You can't—you can't just say how much bullying gay kids sucks and then say they're all going to hell in the same breath."  
  
"But I didn't."   
  
"No, you implied it, when you shouldn't have answered the question at all. It was lose-lose no matter what you said."   
  
Steve frowned, leaning against a leather couch Tony had placed in the anterior of the room.   
  
"You say the wrong things at press conferences all the time."  
  
"This isn't about me, Steve." Tony finally got the top off and took a long swig.  
  
"It's about you.  Do you really think that? That whole 'all gays are going to hell' shit?"  
  
Steve shrugged. It wasn't something he liked to think about, he knew he was a condemned man, but he answered calmly, "Yes. If there's one thing that hasn't changed in 70 years, it's the bible. Homosexuality is a sin."  
  
Tony stared at him with some sort of sad expression that Steve didn't understand—it was pitying, perhaps—and asked softly, "You think you're going to hell, Steve?"   
  
And Steve froze. The only time he had ever been called out like this was back when—no, he knew this wouldn't happen again. Tony didn't have it in him to do something like that. Tony was his friend, even if Tony was disgusted by him. Eventually he managed,   
  
"I'm not gay," because denial was all he had left anymore, and wasn't this familiar? He wanted to ask "How?" but that would give away too much.  
  
"But you are, aren't you? I have one of the best gaydars around, you know. And I see the way you look at me when you think I don't notice. I'm pretty sure I looked at Pepper like that."   
  
And Steve felt like crumbling down until he was many pieces against the floorboard. His throat was clogged and he felt like drowning. His face must have betrayed him because Tony's hand was suddenly on his shoulder, warm, and he was saying,  
  
"Hey, it's totally fine if you are. I mean, ugh, I hate to quote Lady Gaga, but you were born this way, you know. It's not a choice you consciously make so you can’t—"  
  
"I know that!" Steve didn't mean to snap, but he was tired and emotionally stupid. He didn't even realize his eyes were filling with dampness until a tear rolled down his cheek and he tried desperately to wipe it away, but that didn't stop them.  
  
"You don't think that I haven't hoped and prayed every day to not be like this? You don't think that I haven't  _tried_  not wanting men? I don't want to be like this. It’s sick, Tony. I'm sick."   
  
And Tony was pulling him around and wrapping his arms around Steve's torso and Steve was still so confused as to why Tony would still want to touch him after all he had said. The tears didn't stop and he bit his lip to prevent from making embarrassing noises while Tony stroked through his hair.  
  
"Hey, shh, don't think that. Just because eighty or ninety percent of the population doesn't swing that way, it doesn't make it sick or unnatural. You're a good guy, Steve and if any god has a problem with you, then fuck them. Nobody who matters is going to care. You...I really like you Steve. A lot."   
  
Steve suspected that he wasn't supposed to hear that last part, but ignored it anyway. It would just mess up things and Steve still wasn't ready to accept having another man liking him back. It would just be too complicated.

\- -o0o- -

Tony Stark was nothing, if not persistent.   
  
The fact that Steve was aware Tony knew and was pretty sure Tony knew that Steve knew only made the situation more awkward. That didn't deter Tony though. He simply increased his damned physical contact, even if he knew how uncomfortable it made Steve.   
  
Steve did draw the line one evening when he was reading the paper and Tony sat down on the couch beside him, resting his feet in Steve's lap. Steve folded the newspaper with a flourish and glared at the man beside him, who was completely absorbed into something on his tablet.   
  
"Tony."  
  
"Yeah?" He asked without looking up.   
  
"You have got to stop this. It's...wrong."  
  
"Is it wrong because you feel it's wrong or is it wrong because you feel other people think it's wrong?"  
  
Steve sighed. He was tired of the other's puzzles. "What difference does it make?"   
  
Tony looked up. "Well, if it's the latter, then we can just take a quick poll of everyone and whether or not they'd be bothered by seeing us. And I can tell you the results: nobody cares."  
  
"And what if I think it's wrong?"  
  
"Then I'd ask why." Tony put down the tablet and began to crawl over to Steve. Steve should have told the other to stay put.  
  
"You know why, Tony. It's...sinful."   
  
Tony straddled his lap and touched his hair and this was too much. This was far off the charts of things that Steve shouldn't be involved with, but he didn't push Tony away.   
  
"Then I'd say, you know, you like me and I like you. If it wasn't sinful, then what would you like?"  
  
Steve shouldn't answer that. His mind buzzed with all of the things he had ever dreamed about and never had the hope of having. He should have kept his mouth shut.  
  
"A kiss."   
  
Tony smiled, "Alright."  
  
Tony bent down and pressed their lips together. Steve's heart was beating too quickly and if he hadn't had the serum, he was sure this was what dying felt like. His face was red and he kissed back a little, despite the deep burn in his gut telling him it was wrong, so wrong. When Tony pulled back, Steve's hands were shaking.   
  
Tony didn't say anything else, he just got off with a satisfied smirk, picked up his tablet and left. Steve wondered how he had been trapped so easily.   
  
(His heart was still beating too quickly and he was lightheaded. He tried to tell himself that he didn't enjoy it.)  
  
Steve prayed extra hard that night.

\- -o0o- -

Tony was testing him. Trying to see how far he could get without Steve punching him in the face (not that Steve ever would, he still liked Tony, despite what he was trying to do). Steve mostly just wondered why he went along with it. He had a strong moral character, he knew his values, but when Tony was around, he became weak and all of those things flew out the window. He had even gone back to church regularly, to help remind him what a heretic he was. But it didn't help. 

  
"You're touch-starved," Tony had told him while they were, quite absurdly in Steve's opinion, holding hands while watching a movie (a movie that Steve didn't know had gay sex in it and Steve had gone furiously red when it got to that, but he knew Tony was trying to make a point).   
  
"And you're not?"  
  
Tony shook his head almost in contemplation. "No...I just like to touch people. But you, you don't ever touch anyone. You can't live like that."  
  
"Well, I'm touching you now, aren't I?"  
  
Tony's responding grin shouldn't have made Steve feel so warm inside.  
  
(Steve continued praying, but it almost seemed like a moot point by this time.)   
  
\- -o0o- -  
  
If Steve allowed himself to think of such, the best times were when they were just holding each other. He felt like Tony was probably right about him missing human contact, because it felt unreasonably good to be held. He liked it especially when Tony had his head on Steve's chest, his whole body curled up against Steve’s side, and Steve gently stroked Tony's back. He was certain Tony was trying to hear his heartbeat and that shouldn't have enamored Tony more to him.   
  
\- -o0o- -  
  
One of the furthest times Tony had ever taken it was when he pulled Steve in for a long kiss in the kitchen, right in front of Bruce. Steve had squeaked and turned red and flailed under Tony's moving lips, but Bruce had just raised his eyebrows and gone back to whatever he was reading.   
  
It still made Steve very upset and embarrassed and Tony promised to never do anything like that again.

\- -o0o--

It became a point where it was almost familiar. Steve let himself be trapped by the sin, and enjoyed Tony's hand in his. He enjoyed Tony's little cheek-kisses of good morning and he had tried very hard to resist, but it felt impossible when Tony was giving him all he had ever wanted.   
  
(Steve sometimes tried to convince himself that Tony was a terrible person, a drunkard and a former arms dealer, but this never worked. He could take one look at Tony and see beyond that and that scared him.)  
  
Steve didn't even know what their relationship was anymore. It was never sexual, despite what their teammates might have thought. He was amazed that Tony would wait that long for him. He knew that Tony knew there was the possibility of waiting forever. And Steve never really wanted to think about the sexual stuff. It would just make him that more of a sinner. But the urge was definitely there. It always burned him to cinders.

One time, Tony thought it would be funny to lay waiting on Steve's bed, completely nude. Steve had promptly freaked, but not without noticing the surprising muscle of Tony Stark's body. He was middle-aged, but fit, and the arc reactor acted like a beacon towards him. Steve couldn't help but let his eyes briefly wander, to Tony's thankfully flaccid dick, and to his strong thighs. Steve had taken a cold shower and spent three hours in the gym, trying to punch away the heat inside of him.   
  
Steve probably should have been concerned one day when Tony held out a hand and asked, "Do you trust me?" which made Steve think it was a reference he wasn't getting, but he had said yes and followed Tony to Steve's bedroom.   
  
They hadn't ever—in a bedroom before, but Steve trusted Tony to know what his boundaries were.  
  
Tony had just smiled as they lay side-by-side and began kissing him. They didn't kiss on the mouth very often, but Tony was so eager and Steve was hungry.   
  
Tony's hands on his hips were the closest thing to their lower halves touching. Tony's thumbs rubbed circles against his hips bones and Tony's mouth was on his neck, kissing and sucking and making Steve feel breathless. He should have stopped at the first sign of the heat. It raced through his veins and their legs became intertwined and Steve should have known better. He could have stopped it. Tony was suckling against a bite bruise against Steve's neck (Steve was lucky he healed so quickly) and his hands had moved to Steve's chest, roaming in broad circles and Steve felt his trousers grow considerably tighter than before.  
  
It didn't freak him out until he felt Tony's hardness against his thigh, in which case he got up, ran to the bathroom, and locked the door, scared.   
  
Tony tried to reason with him, but he refused and Tony eventually left him there, clinging to his prayers and fears.

Steve felt awful, to be honest. Not just because what had happened, but because of how he knew Tony must have felt. Tony didn’t deserve him. Tony deserved better. Tony needed someone who wasn’t afraid of being touched, someone who didn’t have hang-ups. After he had calmed down a few hours later, he went and found Tony in his lab, working furiously on something with his suit. Tony paused and looked up when Steve entered and it made Steve feel small, like he was before the serum.

“I’m sorry,” he blurted. Tony looked startled.

“For what?”

“For what happened back there. I…you shouldn’t have to be with someone who can’t even give you what you need.”

Tony, still looking disturbed, got up and cupped Steve’s face.

“No. You don’t get to apologize for that. I do. I told you to trust me, and I betrayed that trust and I totally don’t deserve you. Not the other way around.”

“But—”

“No buts, Rogers.”

Steve sighed leaning into Tony’s touch. “But you’ve done so much for me. I want…I want to make you happy.”

“You have.”

He flushed, avoiding Tony’s eyes. “I mean…you know. In a biblical way?”

Tony sighed, “I know. And if you really want to do that, then we can. We’ll take it slow, I promise. But if you don’t, then that’s fine.”

“It’s not that I don’t want you—”

“But you’re afraid. It’s okay, Steve, I understand.”

And that really shouldn’t have made Steve feel ten times worse. Tony Stark was a sexual creature and it hurt that Steve couldn’t even give him certain things because he was too busy being stuck in his own way. He didn’t want to be afraid. He was tired of being afraid. Even though he had sinned many times already, his mind brought forth images of hellfire every time he thought of being with Tony that way, which had been burned into him since childhood. One step further and there was probably no point in asking for forgiveness.

And then he thought of that awful night, so long ago, where he had been beaten because of who he was, when he had been called awful things like sodomite and faggot and it still hurt somewhere. It still hurt a lot. It made him feel like it could happen again even though he knew it wasn’t possible. He was strong enough to defend himself. He had friends who were strong enough for backup. There were even certain bars and clubs where gay men could meet and nobody batted an eyelash at them. But it was still difficult for him to accept what he wanted.

He just wanted Tony to be happy.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kind of got fed up with this fic while writing this chapter, so this might end a little abruptly. Sorry. Think of this as the slightly porny conclusion.

“Hey.”  
  
Steve looked up from his spot on the top of the stairwell. He sometimes went there to think because nobody in the building ever used the stairs and people often wouldn't think to look for him there when he didn't feel like being found. He wondered how Bruce knew he was there.  
  
"Hello."  
  
"Mind if I sit here?"  
  
Steve shook his head, although he would have preferred privacy.   
  
"Did Tony tell you to talk to me?" He asked when Bruce sat down beside him.  
  
"No, but according to JARVIS he hasn't left his lab since he last talked to you."  
  
Oh. Steve hadn’t really known; after their discussion he had busied himself with SHEILD work and when he called to check in, Tony had convinced him that he was fine. Their last argument hadn’t gone well and Steve had tried to convince Tony that he should just find someone better. In hindsight, this probably didn’t go well. Knowing Tony, he probably wouldn’t let anybody else in, including Bruce.  He wondered if he was receiving what Tony had called the "shovel talk" and considered telling Bruce that his intentions toward Tony were entirely pure out of necessity. Mostly, he just hoped he hadn't hurt Tony too badly.  
  
"It isn't what you think. We didn't fight or anything, I think...we're both reacting badly to two different things."  
  
"Which are? If you don't mind me asking."  
  
Steve bit his lip. It was personal, about sex and religion, two things he had never liked discussing with other people, but he needed to work this out and it clearly wasn't happening on its own.   
  
"I...Tony wants to have sex."  
  
Bruce's brow furrowed. "And you don't?"  
  
Steve forced himself not to flush. "Well, I do. That's kind of the problem. I can't. Before we talked, Tony and I were together and we were in bed, just kissing mind you, and I just...freaked out. I think Tony's upset, but I tried to tell him that it was my fault, that I shouldn't be...scared."   
  
"Well, if he's upset, then it's probably because he thinks he hurt you."  
  
"But he didn't! I could've stopped it at any time; I knew what I was getting into. I didn't know I was going to be bothered so badly so there was no way he could have known."  
  
Bruce's expression worked its way into a frown. "Have you tried talking to him?"  
  
"Yeah, and I tried to tell him it wasn't his fault, but he says that he should have known what my boundaries were because I said I trusted him. I tried to tell him that he should just...give up, you know? Find someone who will reciprocate."  
  
"I doubt he took that very well."  
  
Steve laughed, but it was as bitter as he thought it would be, "No, he didn't."  
  
Bruce adjusted his glasses, perplexed. "If you want to have sex with him and he does too, then what's stopping you?"  
  
"I...I'm a Christian man, Dr. Banner. You know that. There are just some things that shouldn't be done. I know that I'm a sinner but I can't—I don't want God to hate me anymore than He already does."  
  
Bruce was silent for a little while before replying softly, "Look: I'm not a Christian, Steve. I uh, find it a little hard to believe in a god who can let the Other Guy happen. But in my traveling, I've learned a lot about religions, including Christianity and if there's one thing I've learned is that God doesn't hate anyone. And His son, Jesus, taught that you should do everything with love and forgiveness. I think if you can't love another person and He can't forgive you for it, well, that doesn't seem right to me."   
  
Bruce paused, looking down at the steps. "You're a good guy Steve, better than all of us. And I'm assuming you want to have sex with Tony to make Tony happy, because you're that kind of person."  
  
Steve nodded.   
  
"But what about your own happiness?"  
  
Steve thought about it and buried his face in his hands with a groan. Bruce was right. Of course he was.

"I want to him too,” he said faintly like he couldn’t believe it, “I mean—I haven't wanted anybody this badly since before the ice. Is that wrong?"  
  
"No, it's not wrong Steve. What's wrong is that you think that anybody would deny you your own happiness. I think if your god doesn't want you to be happy, then I don't think He has your best interests at heart."  
  
Steve was about to take offense to that blasphemy, but decided against it and nodded. "Thank you, Bruce."  
  
"No problem. You might want to check on Tony though. He might actually let you talk to him."

Bruce put his hand on Steve’s shoulder, comforting, and stood before exiting the stairwell as quietly as he had arrived.

\- -o0o- -

Steve thought awhile before going to check up on Tony. Bruce’s words mulled over in his head. While much of what he said was technically true, he did know that he was a sinner no matter what Bruce said. He couldn’t convince himself to try and lie about what became of sodomites, but he also knew that he couldn’t change who he was. He was damned if he did and damned if he didn’t, so he might as well be happy, right? Right. Besides, he couldn’t let fear control his life, he had never let it before. He was stronger than that, stronger than those bullies who tried to hurt him so much, so long ago. But first things first, he had to find Tony and make sure he was okay.

When he got down to the lab, he was met with JARVIS saying,

“He has ordered me to not let anyone in, Captain Rogers.”

Steve frowned, “You know I could break down the door if I wanted to?”

“Of course, sir,” JARVIS replied blandly and the doors swung open.  Tony was half slumped over his desk and started when the door opened.

“Steve…” He mumbled distractedly, with a touch of awe, “I thought you left.”

It took Steve a moment to realize that Tony meant left _him_ for good. When he did, he rushed over to the other and cupped Tony’s face and kissed his forehead. It was like the tension immediately rushed out of the other’s body, and he leaned his whole body into Steve’s.

“No, no, no, Tony. I’m not going to leave you, ever.”

“I thought…when you said that you weren’t good for me, it was just an excuse, you know? It’s not me, it’s you,” he said weakly.

“No, it wasn’t. But we’ll talk about that later. You need some sleep.”

Tony protested, but Steve threatened to carry him over his shoulders like a sack of potatoes and he finally conceded unhappily. Steve got Tony into his room and onto his bed before pulling off his shoes, socks and jeans. Tony looked bemused at this, but let it happen without a word (and Steve was grateful for this because he didn’t think he could have handled it otherwise). Steve then followed, pulling off his own garments, excluding his shirt and boxers, and pulled Tony under the covers with him. He lay with his arm around Tony’s midsection and his chin on Tony’s head.

“JARVIS lights, please.” The lights dimmed and Steve snuggled closer.

“We’ll talk when you wake up.”

Tony grumbled something unintelligible and moments later, Steve heard soft snoring. It made Steve stupidly happy, and he had a smile on his face when he closed his own eyes.

\- -o0o- -

When he woke up, Tony’s arm and face were against his chest while one of Tony’s legs was intertwined with his and he stroked through Tony’s hair, fondly. In a few moments, Tony stirred, blinking his eyes confusedly at Steve.

“Good morning or, ugh, whatever time it is,” Steve said and JARVIS helpfully intoned,

“It is eight-forty-two, am, sir.”

“Thank you, JARVIS. Did you sleep well?” Tony took a moment to get rid of his lethargy, but nodded with a yawn.

“Yeah, but ah, I don’t know if I can stay like this.”

“It’s fine.”

He shifted against Steve’s side, uncomfortable. “No, I mean, I don’t want a repeat of, you know, last time. You’re tempting enough as it is, but like this…”

“Tony it’s fine. Really.”

It took Tony a moment to realize all the implications of that and he gaped. Steve shook his head and looked away, embarrassed.

“I’ve done some thinking while I was away, that’s why I left—to think a little bit, and I had a talk with Bruce. This is going to take a little while for me to get used to and I have to tell you why I’m doing this, because I think if I don’t tell you, I’ll lose my nerve.”

Tony nodded and when Steve sighed, Tony held him tighter, looking expectant. He hadn’t told this to anybody.

“Alright, back before the ice, before the serum, you know I was really small. I was fragile-looking and I grew up with bullies telling me how delicate I was, calling me names like daffodil and sweetheart. It didn’t really get to me, I think, until I realized I was quee—that I liked men. I was always afraid of somebody finding out and those taunts made me think that everybody really thought that about me. But it was normally my mouth that got me into trouble, not because anybody really suspected anything.”

Steve took a deep breath; it was a lot more painful to bring up these memories than he thought it would be. But Tony thankfully didn’t say anything. He just stroked his thumb overtop Steve’s hand, silently urging him on.

“But one night, when I was on a double date with Bucky—the poor fella always tried to set me up with these girls, but they were never interested in me—and I was alone at our table, when this guy walked in. You should have seen him, Tony, he was gorgeous and I guess I was staring too long at him or in a too obvious way and he came up to me. It was the first time anyone had ever called me out on it and I was terrified. He told me he wanted to talk outside and so I followed him into the alley.”

Steve’s pace faltered and his voice cracked a little when his throat tightened as he continued: “I…I was surrounded. And I tried to fight back at first, but I was little and you know. They ended up beating me so badly, if Bucky hadn’t found me, I might not—I wouldn’t…”  

He took another deep breath to calm himself and tried to ignore the horrified look Tony was giving him.

“…Anyway, what they did to me, it made me even more ashamed of myself. And I don’t want to be ashamed anymore. I don’t want to be _scared_ anymore and I don’t want to let a bunch of bullies decide my happiness. They hurt me once and I’m not going to give them the power to do it again.”

He looked down at Tony again and the other was still staring at him with that expression that made Steve feel worse. He didn’t like the silence.

“Tony, please say something.”

“I—okay, first of all, I want to invent time travel so I can go back in time and rip those assholes a new one. I know you said you were bullied, but _Christ_ , Steve.”

 Tony sat up and put his arms around Steve’s shoulders, knocking their foreheads together. It made Steve feel warm, like a weight was lifted off of him and his eyes fluttered closed when Tony kissed his temple.

“I told you already, if you want to go all the way with me, we can. We’ll take it as slow as you need it to be. Just—are you sure you want this?”

Steve opened his eyes. Tony was looking at him like he thought Steve couldn’t be real and Steve thought about all of those times that they lay together with Tony’s ankles crossing his. He thought about how he wanted to kiss every inch of Tony’s exposed skin whenever he saw the man sleeveless, working in his lab and how it made his heart burn with desire. He thought about how beautiful Tony’s eyes were.

“I am,” he said, leaning up to kiss Tony on his lips. He could feel the other’s smile against his mouth.

“In a biblical way?”

Steve couldn’t help but grin back, “Yeah.”

\- -o0o- -

It was easier said than done.  A week later and Steve was still getting used to the idea of kissing where people could see them, partially because he was afraid of the reaction, but he needed the team’s acceptance in a way. Of course everybody already knew about them. Let it be known that Tony Stark was the least subtle person ever, but ever since that incident with Bruce, Tony had done his touching and kissing in the privacy of their own floors (Each Avenger had a floor to his/herself), or in Tony’s lab.

Steve knew it was one thing to tolerate what was going on and another thing to get used to seeing it.

So they slowly began a series of PDA in places around the Tower. Nothing major, nothing quite as explicit as that day that Steve had freaked out, but one-by-one the Avengers found them and nobody brought a stop to it. Not even on movie night, when Steve and Tony took up an entire couch by themselves because Tony was laying with his head in Steve’s lap, did anyone say anything. Natasha gave them a knowing look and Bruce kept smiling every time he looked in their direction. It was as much acceptance as they could have hoped for. He was glad they knew it was a sensitive thing and that he probably couldn’t have handled it if someone had said something, although Thor looked ready to break out the mead at any moment for celebration.  

It was comforting to know that his team wasn’t disgusted by him. It made him feel like he didn’t need to be disgusted with himself.

\- -o0o- -

They went on a few dates, very private ones at first to get Steve used to the idea, and the one he enjoyed the most was seeing _Wicked_ on Broadway. It was a joy to see how far theater had advanced since he was frozen and he had loved the _Wizard of Oz_ when it first came out (it particularly warmed him to know how much of a classic it was considered now), so this spin-off of it was particularly intriguing.

He and Tony were sitting up in a private viewing area and Tony seemed antsy the entire time, but they held hands in public and Steve could finally admit to himself how nice that felt.

\- -o0o- -

Tony seemed to be avoiding the topic of them getting to a further base. They kissed occasionally, passionately, but nothing lingering, nothing quite as dangerous as that time that Steve had freaked out. Steve had a feeling that Tony was afraid of hurting him again, so it was Steve who pulled Tony onto his bed one day with hot kisses.

“Wait,” Tony put a hand against his chest, “I don’t know if can…I don’t want to go too far.”

“It’s okay.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want to…misplace boundaries again.”

Steve told Tony that the other probably would stop if Steve asked him to, and that it wouldn’t be a problem. He wanted this. 

Tony smiled extremely wide and moved quickly to kiss him long and hard. That was all the motivation Steve needed. He cupped Tony’s face and allowed Tony’s tongue to enter his mouth when he felt it pressing at the crevice of his lips. He hadn’t ever kissed anyone with tongue before Tony and it always sent a shiver of excitement down him. He decided that the excitement didn’t bother him anymore and reciprocated, letting their tongues brush as a heat wormed its way through him.

He let out a deep groan when Tony’s lips were against his neck and his hands were against Steve’s chest. Tony was nibbling down Steve’s skin while his broad hands rubbed circles along his pecs, brushing over his hardening nipples. Steve gasped when Tony bit sharply at the base of his neck and he felt the heat spread through his loins. This was always a problem of his, of how sensitive he was and how quickly he got worked up because of it. This was why they didn’t do this often, but Steve decided to let it go. It felt good and he could handle it.

Tony seemed to be trying his best to touch Steve without pressing their lower halves together which seemed slightly ridiculous and through all of the kissing and touching, Steve was extremely surprised when Tony cupped and squeezed his ass and he broke the kiss with a startled gasp.

“Does that bother you? Do you need to stop?”

“No…I…no. I just wasn’t expecting it.”

Tony licked his swollen lips and Steve followed the action, a little transfixed. Tony’s eyes were impeccably dark.

“You like it?”

Steve felt a shiver of want go through him and his cock twitched a little in his jeans. Yes, he liked it, but it was embarrassing admitting that and Tony seemed to see that and let it go. He attacked Steve’s neck with renewed fervor, which had already been mottled with bruises and bite marks that all healed shortly after Tony put them there. Tony licked his Adam’s apple and tweaked a nipple through Steve’s shirt and Steve bucked his hips in surprise. Tony grinned and stared at him again with those lust-darkened eyes.

“Did you like that?”

Tony didn’t wait for a reply before his mouth was against the area, still covered with Steve’s shirt, and he licked one eagerly through the cloth. The damp material clung and rubbed against the bud and Steve’s dick was throbbing so hard in his pants, he suddenly felt like he would burst. He had never been so aroused in his life and that frightened him a little.

“I’m going to need to touch you like this more, you’re so sensitive,” Tony muttered as his lips found their way back to Steve’s jaw. He sounded happy about it and Steve was still being overwhelmed by everything: his arousal, Tony’s kisses, the smell of Tony’s cologne, and that feeling as Tony’s stubble brushed against his own smooth skin.

“Tony,” he gasped, not quite sure what he wanted, but he felt like he was on the brink of insanity.

“Do you want me to touch you?” Tony asked with surprising straightforwardness.

Steve thought about it, thought about Tony’s hand snaking down his jeans, cupping and stroking him and the thought made a shame burn in his gut that was still slightly more powerful than the arousal. He wasn’t ready for that yet.

“No, just…do what you were doing. Before.”

Tony seemed to understand what he was requesting and asked, “Can I pull your shirt up?”

It was a barrier, but Steve wasn’t sure if it was a needed one. He needed to be brave and swallowed against the rapid beating of his heart.

“I...”

“Yes or no, Steve?”

“Uh…yes. Yes.” He was certain.

Tony pulled up his shirt and Steve shivered at Tony’s rough hands roaming over his sensitive skin. They were slightly cool and his nipples seemed to harden more in the chilly air. He nearly yelped again when Tony nipped at the skin below a rib before licking a hot trail to Steve’s chest. Steve felt like he was being driven mad through all of these sensations. He gasped when Tony’s mouth wrapped around a bright pink nub. Each lick and bite seemed to magnify now sensitive it was and he couldn’t believe he could be so aware of them.  

He was surprised this had gotten this far and he was embarrassed that he was so aroused already. This whole situation was embarrassing. He was sure his face was entirely red right then and Tony’s grin was cheeky when he looked up again, tweaking a nipple which stung in the cool air.

“You’re so responsive,” gloated and Steve’s face was on fire. Tony licked up his neck again and tugged on his earlobe with his teeth, causing Steve to shiver again.

“I wish I could touch you like I want. I’d make you feel so good.”

And that brought forth more sinful thoughts of Tony with his hands around Steve’s cock, or his mouth like Steve had dreamed about, and Steve groaned. He tugged Tony’s hair to pull him back into a kiss which was all tongue and sharp nips. Steve’s hips bucked against the air when Tony began to play against his nipples again, both of them, twisting them together, making Steve ache and it was so embarrassing. Steve was so hard, he could probably come like that and that was just humiliating.

“I—”

Tony was traveling back down to his chest again, sucking his collarbone flush, and he wished he could give this to Tony back. He was already leaking in his underwear and they hadn’t done anything real yet and that was so pathetic. He squirmed when Tony moved downward, licking and kissing his abs and he throbbed dangerously when Tony’s tongue dipped into his bellybutton. Tony’s hands were on his hips.

“Tony—” He warned, uncomfortable at how close Tony was.

“Do you want me to continue?” Tony asked when he looked up, thumbing the edge of Steve’s jeans. Steve wanted it, he truly wanted it, but the shame hadn’t truly left yet and he shook his head, feeling regret as soon as he saw the disappointed look on Tony’s face. Steve knew he was being frustrating and stupid and this just made him feel even worse. He also knew he wasn’t going to get relief if he was afraid of Tony touching him like that and he detangled himself out of Tony’s grasp while muttering apologies and awkwardly pointing towards his bathroom door to indicate why he had to leave.

He shut the door closed with a heavy sigh and quickly pushed his jeans and briefs past his hips. He got to work, pumping himself fast and quick until he came in the toilet. It didn’t take long, but afterwards he flushed, washed his hands and sat down against the edge of the tub with a heavy sigh. Why did he always screw things up this badly? He told himself to be brave but he couldn’t even get with Tony like he had wanted to. He was just so ashamed of the thought of Tony seeing him come undone so easily, at the thought of Tony being the one to make him come undone, and he felt guilt too. That Catholic guilt still wormed its way through him and he wondered if he just wasn’t ready.

He got up and peeked out the bathroom door and it felt like his stomach dropped. Tony was on his back, stroking himself to completion and Steve immediately shut the door, embarrassed and red-faced. He squashed down the heat that wanted to erupt again, feeling even worse. Tony shouldn’t have to do that. He deserved a willing partner.

A little while later, he opened the door sheepishly again, Tony was thankfully finished, and he felt small in the space between the bathroom and the bed.

“I’m sorry.”

Tony frowned like he often did whenever Steve apologized and beckoned him back to the bed.

“Hey, no, don’t say that. You just weren’t ready, that’s nothing to feel sorry for.”

Steve decided that he would be brave enough to go through with it one day.

\- -o0o- -

That day came sooner than he thought it would. Steve and Tony were having a close moment when the alarms blared, telling them it was time to suit up. They separated begrudgingly and met up with the other Avengers to find out who their foe was this time.

It was their standard fair: a genetically altered super monster by some misguided mad scientist and Steve was at first thankful that there was only one. It seemed like a mission the Hulk would enjoy. Except when they got there, they realized it wouldn’t be so easy and like an actual hydra, once one of its long, destructive arms was destroyed, two more took its place.

And apparently it had kids with it.

It was a tough battle, made even tougher by the fact that communications had been shaky the whole time and, instead of following Steve’s orders to stay in the sky and look for weak points, Tony decided that he was going to take on the monster by himself and got thrashed and knocked out of the battle.

By the time it was over, there was a ridiculous amount of collateral damage, all of them were angry, covered in the sludge-like remains of the beasts, but none more so than Steve and Tony. Tony was angry that his suit got so damaged (thankfully, Iron Man took the brunt of the damage) and Steve was angry that Tony would put his life in danger that way. They went their separate ways, stewing in fury, Tony to pry off parts of the suit that he couldn’t do manually by himself, and Steve to take a shower.

Only, the shower didn’t calm anything down, Steve just saw Tony being knocked to the ground and lying there motionless on the ground over and over again.

After the shower, he put on a pair of loose sweats and a t-shirt and went off to find Tony in his lab. It was worse than he thought. Tony had a giant, blossoming bruises over his cheek, chest, and arm from where the suit dented in. His back looked pretty scratched up from the looks of it and Steve saw red.

“Don’t you ever do that again.”

Tony turned around and frowned when he saw the look on Steve’s face. “I’m fine, Steve, I promise.”

“ _Fine_?”  Steve repeated, incredulous, and strode over to Tony to grab his arm, “You are not _fine_ , Tony. You almost got yourself killed and you’re lucky this is all you ended up with! I thought you put that showboating crap behind you.”

Tony’s eyes darkened and he straightened up, crossing his arms, defensive. “Well, no one else was doing anything. I had to give it a try; nothing was working.  It almost worked!”

“But it didn’t, Tony! We have plans and orders for a reason and if you can’t follow them, then I’m going to have to bench you. Don’t make me do that.”

“Maybe you’ll just have to then.”

Tony looked aside, stubborn, and Steve cupped his face, forcing him to look at Steve in the eye. Steve’s expression softened and he said softly, “Don’t make me do that, Tony. I—I don’t want to lose you, not over anything in the field, not over this.”

Tony was still being stubborn though so Steve did the only thing he thought could get Tony’s attention: he kissed him. All Steve thought about was the prospect of losing Tony and the adrenaline of the last battle still hadn’t worn off yet. It made him frantic. His tongue was hot in Tony’s mouth and he hardly noticed when he backed Tony into the table and their hips pressed together. Tony was responsive, wrapping his good arm around Steve’s backside to squeeze his ass.

Steve groaned into the kiss, not at all bothered by the heat that traveled through him because all he cared about was feeling Tony against him and keeping Tony that way. He desperately kissed and kissed until the heat smothered him and until he was hard and aching against Tony’s hip. He should have stopped. He should have let go of Tony and took a deep breath and talked reasonably, but the heat was setting him on fire. He needed to feel Tony in every way possible. He wasn’t even concerned (because there was barely any mental consciousness happening at the moment) when he felt Tony’s own hardness.

Tony bit his neck and ground their cocks together and it was the best thing that Steve had ever felt. He could feel himself spurt against his boxers and he knew there was no way he could last long, but he was enraptured in everything Tony: the lean lines of him as they pressed so closely together, the musky scent of his sweat from battle, and how hot each rock of those hips made him feel.

In the moment, all Steve knew was heat and skin and gratifying himself. He pushed back against Tony, sloppily grinding them together with even sloppier kisses. His boxers were damp by the time Tony squeezed his ass again and the rough push of Tony’s denim against Steve was bringing him over the edge. He gasped into their kiss, feeling more out of breath than he should have with the serum and he continued to kiss Tony lazily as the euphoria settled through him and Tony continued to grind himself until he was also done.

It took a moment for Steve to process what had happened and he was surprised that it didn’t send him into a panic like the thought would have previously.

“Wow,” Tony muttered against his neck because they had yet to separate.

Steve finally gave his boyfriend some room and backed off, feeling distant shame at how feral he had behaved.

“Maybe I should put myself in mortal peril more often if that’s how you react,” Tony grinned until he caught the look Steve was giving him.

“I’m joking!” He cried, but Steve ignored him.

“I…should apologize. I didn’t mean to get all—”

“Sexily possessive?”

“Not the words I would have used, but yes,” And here, Steve’s shoulders hunched up in that way they did whenever he was self-conscious.

“Do you really think that? That it was…sexy?” Tony’s eyes widened like he couldn’t believe that Steve was asking.

“Uh, _yes._ That was the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen you do! I—I’m not gonna lie, I’ve always thought about you taking control all angry and stuff and fuck, that did not disappoint. If you want to barge in here and teach me the error of my ways every now and then, I am totally on board with that.”

“ _Tony_ ,” Steve shot the other an embarrassed look, but Tony just grinned. It made Steve’s heart flutter a little and Steve began to think that maybe, this would be okay. He would be okay.

\- -o0o- -

After a few more experiments in grinding and a little clothed petting, Steve decided he was going to take a much bigger step intimacy. A much, much bigger step.

This was how he ended up following Tony into his bathroom when Tony was about to take a shower. Tony paused, clearly confused at his presence and Steve willed up every ounce of courage to say,

“I was hoping to join you?”

Tony’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. “…You know if you do, there probably won’t be much showering, right?”

Steve flushed and resolutely nodded, “Yeah.”

They undressed, Steve wasn’t sure how to take the appreciative glance Tony gave his naked body, and got into the shower. It was a fancy shower, spacious, with more than one showerhead and Steve was thankful that the one in his own suite was a little more low-tech. Tony got the shower started by pressing some touch-screen embedded in the wall and the hot water flowed.

“I want to wash you, if that’s okay?”

Tony seemed even more surprised, but handed him a washcloth and his body wash (Steve raised an eyebrow at such a thing, but Tony claimed that it was just a gift from Pepper). But Steve was thankful for the banter, because it allowed him to be less nervous. He needed this, to be able to touch Tony in such a way without feeling guilty. He washed Tony’s face first, being careful to avoid the man’s eyes. He washed Tony’s neck and shoulders and arms. Then he drew the washcloth down Tony’s chest, hesitating at first when his fingers reached the edge of the arc reactor, but washing over that when he had Tony’s go ahead.

He washed Tony’s belly, dipping into his navel, and paused at the edge of his hip. He could do this, he told himself. He could touch Tony in such an intimate way. He was glad that Tony didn’t make any crude comments or he might not have gone through with it. So he cleaned that part of him and got down on his knees to properly wash Tony’s thighs and legs.  

Steve got back up and wrung the washcloth out, reapplied soap, and told Tony to turn around. He pointedly ignored the fact that the other was a little hard. He washed Tony’s back a little more languidly and only hesitated slightly when it came to the swell of his bottom. He gently washed Tony’s cheeks before losing his nerve and washing the back of Tony’s thighs.  But he told himself he could do it, if he could touch those other parts of Tony then he could certainly do this.

So after he washed the back of Tony’s thighs, he dragged the washcloth up between the other’s cheeks and felt oddly rewarded by Tony’s shiver. When Tony turned around, his eyes were dark and his cock was half-hard. His voice was rough when he asked,

“Can I touch you?”

Steve figured it was only fair after all he had done and nodded with only a little hesitation. He gasped at the sensation of Tony’s hand around him. The other’s hand was smaller than Steve’s own, calloused, but was working so wonderfully Steve became hard pretty quickly. It was a little overwhelming, being touched like this, and he kissed Tony, bringing their bodies closely together.

“You’re so gorgeous,” Tony murmured into his ear and that somehow made Steve feel more embarrassed than what they were actually doing. He buried his face into Tony’s neck when Tony wrapped his hand around both of them and even under the hot water showering on him, he could feel himself reddening at the things that Tony growled into his ear.

When Steve came, he bit down against Tony’s shoulder with a muffled shout. He returned the favor for Tony who was still hard and leaking against his belly. Tony looked beautiful underneath his ministrations and something heavy tugged in Steve’s chest when Tony came. It was like he was suddenly struck with the realization of how much he loved the other man. He hadn’t felt that since Peggy and he wondered how this man made him fall so hard.

They separated. Tony washed Steve and when they clambered out of the shower, warm towels at the ready, Steve realized that Tony’s spacious bathroom lacked a bathtub, which seemed odd. Steve’s own room had a Jacuzzi style tub that Steve still hadn’t gotten used the luxurious nature of. It was luxurious enough that it pretty much screamed Tony Stark.

“You don’t take baths?” 

Tony tensed in an odd way and he shook his head, “No, I don’t,” and he must have seen the concerned look on Steve’s face because he clarified,

“It’s because of…back then. I’ll tell you about it one day. I promise.”

This didn’t really sooth Steve’s concern; he could only assume that Tony meant Afghanistan and he didn’t know much about it. Just that Tony had been kidnapped and when he came back, Iron Man had been created and he had the arc reactor in his chest. He knew Tony had difficulties opening up about that time in his life and was grateful that the other would at least make that promise.

“Thank you, Tony. For everything.”

Tony smiled slightly and held out his hand for Steve to follow. For once, Steve didn’t think about the consequences and let Tony lead him. He knew they had a long way to go, but they would get there eventually. And even if it wasn’t a promise of a happy ending, it was a promise for something better and for that, Steve was grateful.  


End file.
